life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I understand Curling. That high.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
