I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
