I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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