kristin has been a bad kristin
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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