ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
