i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
