You smell like a Billy Joel song
Too much gin, very little bucket
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
