How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
