....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
