just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
