glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
