He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
