I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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