I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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