4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize