if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
