He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize