Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
