Tell her she can't have a vagina
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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