apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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