I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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