she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
