i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
