Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
