I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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