I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
