So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
