She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
