Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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