Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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