My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
