Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
