your room smells of hookers.
And success
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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