Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
