He is an equal opportunity slut.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
