oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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