sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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