I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
