I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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