If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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