Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
