You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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