I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
