i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize