The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
