I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
