Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
