Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
