my mouth tastes like poor choices
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
