Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize