I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
