I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
