I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize