we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
