somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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