i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
