the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
