Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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