Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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